Recently, I blogged about how good things were going for me. For the first time in a long time, this girl was content and happy. Well, as it always does, life happens. Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was brought to a place I’ve never been before. Never envisioned. I visited several dark places. There was no one there to welcome me, give directions, or show me the way out. It was just me. With my thoughts and fears. Off in the distance, very far away, I did catch glimpses of the dreams I have, and if it wasn’t for those glimpses, I would still be in the dark place.
I returned for the results of an MRI and CT. I had an aneurysm. As the Neurologist read the results and my options, I looked to my left. I was curious about how the receiver was taking the news. Unfortunately, it was just me, and the junior doctor in training. And the Neurologist certainly wasn’t facing him. I sat in stunned silence, staring at the man whose lips were moving. All I heard was, “You have an 8-9mm aneurysm. Because of your age and its size, you’ll be meeting with an MDT team to discuss surgery, which is risky and invasive”.
I mean, how could this be? I initially went to see the doctor for dizziness. At the worse, I thought medication would be prescribed, and at the very least, it would be controlled. I had prepared myself for some type of tumor, which can be removed. Even hearing early onset of some disease, was expected. Instead, I was told that the older I get, my risk of a stroke increases. The doctor must have seen the supersize struggle I was having, as I fought the urge to cry. He offered an apology for the news, and his voice grew softer, and more compassionate. He wasn’t just giving a result, he was talking to someone, who didn’t expect this news. It was big.
I never wanted to fall into my mother’s arms more than I did then. Unfortunately, she is on another continent. Was there any good news in all this? The aneurysm hadn’t grown between scans, which meant it was stable. In addition, he told me that if I ever felt I was having the worse headache of my life, it was a sign it had ruptured. Medical treatment must be sought immediately. I’m almost positive I had one of those headaches in the recent past. In addition, the condition was caught in time, so it can be dealt with.
I knew I needed prayers. I wasn’t convinced that mine would be enough. No, I needed a small army to offer up supplications to the Lord. On my behalf. So I did something, I’ve never done on social media. I asked for prayers. The outpouring of support was immediate, and overwhelming. Almost two weeks later, almost 100 people have reached out to me, through messages, phone calls, texts and offers to pray for me. I felt supported. I hope the big man is listening.
So now what? I don’t know. All I know is the what ifs are very scary. I also know that I am a very resilient person, and even if I am in uncharted territory, the only thing I can do is push on. To live and do the same things I had planned before I learned of this terrible news. To always have a powerful prayer in my soul asking for the God in Heaven to spare me. And if this is not his will, to give me strong shoulders.
There are many things I want to do. Adventures to have. People to meet and help. Volunteer projects to take part in. Dreams to come through. Clients to help overcome barriers. An aging mom to take care of. Reunions to attend. Books to write. Pretty Muddy events to run. Home to buy. A business to run. History to explore. Charities to start. Loves to discover. The wonders of the world to visit. Hot balloon rides to take. The list is far from exhaustive.
I don’t plan on hiding away, feeling sorry for myself. The first week was the hardest. I cried, and cried some more. I even questioned, why, at a time in my life, when I was doing so good, this should happen. Then I sobered up, put on my big girl panties and got on with it. I still have days when I wrestle with huge decisions. Days when the darkness comes knocking on the doors of my fears. Days when I wished it was something else. Anything other than this. Please.
Self pity will not destroy my spirit, eat away at my soul, and erode my dreams. I do need prayers. I’m not giving up on my dreams. Quite the opposite. If God brings me to it, he will bring me through it. Sometimes, things happen in our lives, because HE wants us to move in a certain direction.
I will do a lot of things differently. For every breath I take, another soul is taking their last. While this year has carried with it, the most challenging times of my life, there have been some fantastic memories. I can’t and won’t forget them. Each day I rise. I will grind.
Until the next post,