Category Archives: Advice

Get Clear on Why You Care So Much


One way to learn to stop caring so much about irrelevant issues and thoughts of others is to dig in deep and study yourself in a new way to get to the bottom of the reasons you care so much. Three ways help you get clear on why you care so much that you can use.

Journaling 

You can use your computer, buy a specialized journal, or you can simply use a notebook you have created to journal. It’s up to you what type of system you use and whether it’s modern or analog. The important part is that you try to use your journal to express your thoughts, emotions, and stream of consciousness about a problem you’re trying to solve or a feeling you’re trying to explore without judgment or censoring.  Write in your journal every day when you’re trying to understand why you care so much. You may end up discovering your life purpose or a new reason for getting up each day, one you had not realized before. 

Meditation 

Before you use your journal, it can help to clear your mind using meditation. Meditation practice is all about not thinking and not judging your thoughts or feelings even as they still happen during the meditation.  Each time you meditate, you can have a purpose of self-discovery, or goal to clear your mind and relax.  To practice this type of meditation, you’ll want to find a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lay down. Concentrate on your goals for the meditation, close your eyes, and start focusing on your breathing.  Think about the situation you’re trying to understand for a moment, then clear your mind. If any intrusive thoughts come in, brush them aside by refocusing on your breathing. You mustn’t allow any outside information or sensation to distract you during this time.  Many You Tube videos offer instructions and help.

Therapy 

Today, we are fortunate to be able to access psychological therapy from the comfort of our homes using your computer or smartphone. Numerous companies offer this service and varying price points. In addition, many insurance companies include several sessions as part of your benefits.  If you seek therapy, make sure you find someone experienced working with you on overcoming people-pleasing and putting yourself last in life. Remember, your wants and needs matter too. Most therapists can guide you through the self-discovery process, to finally know what you want, regardless of what others think

Any or all three of these methods, help you become crystal clear regarding your motivations to seek approval from others and even help you stop doing it. Remember, what you want from life is important too, and following someone else’s dreams will never get you what you want and, more importantly, content in your life. 

Wishing You Well,
Juan

Strategies For Putting Yourself First


Below are some healthy ways to help you develop the habit, without burning bridges or negatively affecting your energy, enthusiasm, and motivation. These tips will help you achieve your goals, protect your mental and physical wellbeing, and overcome even your biggest challenges. Bear in mind, if you do have to burn some bridges, don’t dally, just get on with life, and know you are doing what is best for your future self.

Choose Your Purpose: Having a clear purpose is essential. It is the simplest, most basic thing every person needs to live a fulfilling and satisfying life. Without a purpose, you will end up living your life haphazardly. Your purpose also makes it easier for you to say ‘No’ to people and things that do not align with your highest good. Living it helps you identify what you need to do and when. Consciously reaffirming your purpose regularly multiplies your efforts of taking action.

Live by a Vision: Putting yourself first also requires that you develop a clear vision of the life you want to lead. A vision keeps you focused on the journey, and will allow you to effectively prioritize your tasks and projects as the important things will align with your purpose and vision of your ultimate life. To get clear about your vision, start by reflecting on these three questions: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? How do you want to feel? If you are unsure about your vision, ruminating on these questions will assist you in getting clear. 

 Set Personal Goals and Plan: wise way to ensure your vision becomes a reality. Goals make the realization of your vision much more achievable, will keep you motivated and focused on what you want out of life. After taking the time to set your goals, set aside regular time to plan how you will achieve them.

 Learn New Skills: As you draw up your goals and develop your vision, you may find you need to learn new skills to make your ideal life a reality. Take some time to identify those areas that you may be lacking. Then take proactive steps to bridge the gap between your present level and your desired level.

Set Personal Boundaries: skill you need to master when learning how to put yourself first, because you will need it a lot on every step of your journey. That is especially true if you tend to be a people-pleaser. Others are used to you backing down and giving them what you want, so you’ll need to stay strong. Look them in the eye and kindly say, “No, thank you.” Even when they try to convince you to think otherwise, practice sticking to your decision by not get pressured into consenting. Setting personal boundaries is a vital skill because it enables you to defend your time and your rights which is an essential component of putting yourself first.

Get Active: Putting yourself first isn’t only about goal setting and getting ahead. It’s also about taking the time for self-care. After all, if you don’t take care of your health, you’ll be unable to live your purpose or fulfill your life’s vision. Put yourself and your health first by starting a program of regular exercise as soon as possible if you aren’t already doing so. Engaging in a brisk daily walk is all that’s needed to improve and maintain your health.

Eat Healthy: A healthy diet is equally as important as your body’s need to exercise. Eating a nutritious diet is a huge part of taking care of your health and putting yourself first. If your diet needs a major overhaul, take it one step at a time and work your way up to your ideal diet. Remember, putting yourself first is about being kind to yourself.

Get enough rest: Getting sufficient sleep is another essential component of putting yourself first. It is also necessary for boosting your performance and replenishing your energy. By getting enough sleep, you will be better equipped to face the hurdles of the new day with greater confidence, energy, and enthusiasm. Never allow anyone or anything come between you and the need to get enough sleep.

Schedule Relaxation: Sometimes you may be lacking the energy you need to live your ultimate life. Rather than trying to push through such times, it is better to maximize your relaxation and recovery. You can engage in activities that will help reduce fatigue and replenish your energy, such as meditation, yoga, massage, or a quick nap. If you find you run low on energy and motivation on a regular basis, start scheduling relaxation or downtime into your day. A consistent relaxation routine will keep you on more of an even-keel, so you don’t burn out.

Journal : Apparently, you have 60,000 or more thoughts per day. When you feel you have a lot to do and you are overwhelmed with too many ideas, journaling will help clear your head, can lead to better self-awareness, which is the foundation of putting yourself first. You can journal any way you wish—with paper and pen or by using an app. You might choose to journal every day or only when you feel overwhelmed or unsettled. Whatever works for you is perfect.

Practice Gratitude: Take some time each day to reflect on the positives in your life. It’s easy to focus on the things we’d like to change and neglect to be appreciative for all we have. It is very important to have a realistic perspective on your life and identify the positives for the sake of your health and wellbeing. As you find the time to write down and reflect on all the things you are grateful for each day, you will reduce your stress levels and naturally find more and more to be grateful for in your life.

Putting yourself first is something you must make a conscious effort to do. You must fill your cup first, or you will end up with nothing left to give.  Be prepared for pushback, as this new way of living might not sit well with those in your circle, who take, take, and take. Stand your ground, in a few months, you won’t recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror!

To Your Success,
Juan

 

Depression and Food: What Studies Show


Depression and Food

Not all antidepressants come in a pill. A new study suggests that food can dramatically enhance your mood. Researchers at Deakin University in Australia, tested the theory on a group of participants with unhealthy diets who experienced moderate to severe depression. Half were asked to switch to a modified Mediterranean diet and nutritional counseling, while the other half continued their usual eating habits.

After 12 weeks, the Mediterranean-style diet group had significantly fewer symptoms, and 32% were in full remission. The other half, who received only social support, showed far less progress. While these results are dramatic, you don’t have to be clinically depressed to reap the benefits of eating more produce. Another study at the University of Otago in New Zealand, found that extra servings of vegetables and fruits boosted the psychological wellbeing of healthy young adults in just 2 weeks.

See how changing your diet could cheer you up. Run through this list, then plan a  visit to your local grocer or farmers market.

Fighting Depression with What You Eat

  1. Focus on whole foods. Fill up on natural foods that are full of nutrients and fiber that your body needs. Aim for at least 5 servings of vegetables and fruits each day, along with plenty of lean protein and healthy fats.
  2. Limit processed fare. The other side of the equation is to cut back on junk food loaded with empty calories and sugar. That includes beverages as well as solid food.
  3. Toss a salad. Leafy green vegetables contain folate, which may relieve depression, as well as reducing your risk for certain cancers. Add a handful of beans or shrimp to your salad to make it a balanced meal.
  4. Ferment it. Probiotic and prebiotic nutrients are gaining a lot of attention as scientists learn more about how intestinal bacteria affect the brain. Sample fermented dishes like miso soup and kimchi dumplings.
  5. Go fish. Omega-3 fatty acids can also lift your spirits. You can find them in fatty fish like tuna and salmon, as well as soybeans, spinach, and walnuts.
  6. Enjoy chocolate. What could be easier than eating chocolate? Dark chocolate contains serotonin and antioxidants that help reduce stress. Be sure to watch portion sizes and check labels for actual cocoa content.

Fighting Depression with How You Eat

  1. Cook vegetables lightly. Cauliflower and carrots are even more nutritious when you prepare them quickly in minimal water. Try steaming or microwaving.
  2. Seek variety. Different produce contains different vitamins. If you eat a variety of colors, you’re likely to wind up with a good balance.
  3. Eat in. It’s easier to control what you’re consuming if you’re doing the cooking yourself, because restaurants tend to add more fat, salt, and sugar. Brush up on your kitchen skills and bring your lunch to work.
  4. Treat yourself. Forget about forbidden foods and allow yourself an occasional indulgence. It will make it easier to stick to your diet in the long run.
  5. Keep a journal. Strong feelings like depression or happiness can affect your food choices. If you struggle with emotional eating, write down what you eat and what’s going on at the time. You’ll be able to spot your triggers and figure out alternative approaches.
  6. Make friends with food. Strict diets can make you feel deprived or guilty. Remember that food nourishes your body and mind, and eating can be a lot of fun.

If you think you have signs of depression, it’s important to talk with your doctor who may recommend talk therapy and medication, in addition to any dietary changes. If you just want a little more energy and happiness, extra broccoli and blackberries may be all you need.

To Your Success,
Juan

Types of Depression


Types of Depression

The word Depression is often used to describe the disorder, and while the symptoms are classic, it goes beyond the cookie cutter diagnosis. In this post, I will identify the types of Depression, as they vary from one person to the next and on the DSM. One in five people will suffer from depression during their lifetime, and it is the leading cause of disability worldwide. 

The good news is that depression is treatable. There are several forms of depressive disorders.

Major depression—severe symptoms that interfere with your ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy life. An episode can occur only once in a person’s lifetime, but more often, a person has several episodes.

Persistent depressive disorder—depressed mood that lasts for at least 2 years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression, along with periods of less severe symptoms, but symptoms must last for 2 years.

Some forms of depression are slightly different, or they may develop under unique circumstances. They include:

  • Psychotic depression, which occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false beliefs or a break with reality (delusions), or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations).
  • Postpartum depression, which is much more serious than the “baby blues” that many women experience after giving birth, when hormonal and physical changes and the new responsibility of caring for a newborn can be overwhelming. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.
  • Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not get better with light therapy alone. Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.

Bipolar disorder  also called manic-depressive illness, is not as common as major depression or persistent depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes—from extreme highs (e.g., mania) to extreme lows (e.g., depression).

Dysthymialess severe type of depression, dysthymia (or dysthymic disorder), involves long-lasting symptoms that do not seriously disable, but keep one from functioning well or feeling good.

Source: National Institute for Mental Health.

As always, please speak with your medical or mental health provider to confirm diagnosis and get the help you deserve. Next up, we will look at Suicide, as Depression is the leading cause. Suicide is a heavy topic, but I cannot fail to address it in a mental health series.

To Your Success,
Juan 

What You Need to Know About Health Anxiety


When you’re living through a pandemic, it’s natural to pay more attention to any symptoms that seem suspicious. However, if these concerns are interfering with the quality of your life, you may be experiencing health anxiety.

That’s the modern name for what used to be called hypochondria. It often starts in early adulthood and grows more serious as you age. You may be convinced that you have one or more major illnesses, even if lab tests and other evidence prove otherwise. Health anxiety varies in intensity. You may be able to put your mind at rest with some effort on your own, or you may need to seek professional care. Try this guide for understanding your options.

Medical Care for Health Anxiety:

  1. Consider counseling. Health anxiety is often connected to other disorders, including other forms of anxiety. You may benefit from cognitive behavior therapy or similar methods that can help you address your overall well being.
  2. Take medication. Talk therapy may be enough, or your doctor may prescribe drugs. That could include antidepressants and anxiolytics that reduce anxiety.
  3. Communicate clearly. If you tend to exaggerate your symptoms, it may be difficult for your doctor to assess your condition. Keeping a journal may help, or you could ask a spouse or partner you live with to share their observations.
  4. Explore family history. You may be more prone to health anxiety, if you or a family member had a serious illness while you were growing up. Let your doctor know if this could be a factor.
  5. Seek appropriate care. While many patients with health anxiety spend too much time at the doctor’s office, others go the other extreme. If you’re afraid of finding out you have an illness, keep in mind that early diagnosis can often give you the best possible outcome.

Self Care for Health Anxiety:

  1. Educate yourself. Maybe you perceive ordinary experiences as being more dangerous than they really are. Learning about common minor ailments could help you keep things in perspective, when you have a headache or an upset stomach.
  2. Limit online searches. On the other hand, maybe you’re overwhelmed from reading too many medical sites. Take a break and find other pastimes. Like you, I have Googled my symptoms when I felt unwell, and convinced myself it was time to get my affairs in order.
  3. Help others. Shifting the focus away from yourself is one of the most effective and constructive distractions. Volunteer at a food bank or animal shelter in your area. Start a community garden in your neighborhood. Find a cause you can get behind.
  4. Manage stress. Chronic tension can aggravate any condition, including anxiety. Try to think positive. Experiment with relaxation techniques to find what works for you. Listen to music, or book a massage.
  5. Be active. Do you avoid doing things you used to enjoy because you think you’re not strong enough? Encouraging yourself to stay engaged could lift your spirits and help you to be more realistic about your abilities.
  6. Sleep well. Anxiety interferes with sleep, and sleep deprivation leaves you feeling out of sorts. Make it a priority to stick to a consistent bedtime that gives you 7 to 8 hours of rest each night. Limit alcohol and caffeine, especially later in the evening.
  7. Breathe deeply. For fast relief, practice breathing exercises that can calm you down or give you energy.
  8. Build support. Let your family and friends know how they can help you. Talking with someone you trust may help you deal with emotional issues that could be contributing to your health anxiety.

If you think you or a loved one may be troubled by excessive and irrational health concerns, talk with your doctor. An effective treatment plan can help you to take care of your mental and physical wellbeing and enjoy life more.  The next three posts will offer ways and tips to help family members with anxiety. Look forward to having you.

To Your Success,
Juan

 

Discipline: The Bridge Between Your Goals and Accomplishment


Since the start of the year, I have blogged about making resolutions, forming new habits, and being open to change.  None of these changes can survive without a healthy dose of self discipline. If want to achieve more than you ever thought possible, the next few minutes of your time can be a game-changer. Contrary to what you might have been told in the past, self-discipline is not being harsh to yourself or living a restrictive lifestyle. Rather it is the ability to practice self-control of your actions, and your reactions, the power to stick to hard decisions, and follow them without flaking.

Characteristics includes the ability to postpone immediate enjoyment in favor of future rewards, resolve that pushes us towards working on our goals until we achieve them, strength to overcome addictions, laziness, and procrastination, and the ability not to give up regardless of setbacks and failures. 

No quality is more important in the attainment of long-term sustainable success. Whether you seek to enhance your relationships, work ethic, or health, nothing beats self-discipline as the principal trait. However, while it doesn’t always come naturally, the good news is that it can become a learned behavior. Provided you have created a SMART goal, which of the following proven techniques will you implement?

Remove temptation from your environment is a critical first step. Self-control as an attribute, is one instance in which the saying “out of sight, out of mind” rings so true. For instance, if you are looking to minimize distractions (such as social media) turn off your mobile notifications, and block all social media until a time of your choosing. Need to lose weight? Remove the unhealthy foods from your cabinets and pantry. Schedule time for physical activity, especially if time is one of your excuses.

There will never be a perfect time. Kick the habit of waiting for all things to align perfectly before embarking on any journey. Embrace simple things: changing your daily routine, breaking bad habits such as negative thinking, actively developing new ones, even if it does not feel right in your mind. Start now, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Reward yourself for achievements, no matter how small. Being self-disciplined does not mean you have to become miserable or adopt a cold-turkey, drill sergeant type of life. In fact, by being too rigid, you are opening yourself up to disappointment, failure, and the possibility of falling back into old habits. Instead, have days when you relax your regimen. 

Don’t beat yourself up for setbacks. At some point, you will fall into some old habits. Pick yourself up and recommit to the journey. You have to accept that there will be spectacular failures and fabulous successes. Don’t get too hung up in frustration, guilt, and anger, but rather acknowledge mistakes as an essential part of the learning process.

Ultimately, developing self-discipline will allow you to live more freely by making choices that are more positive and healthy. 

To Your Success,

Juan

what to do when


Dear Readers,

I am almost finished with the WFH series. In my own life, the past several months have taken more from me, than I had to give at the time. Like everything else in life, you persevere, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. Working from home can be a real struggle when you aren’t used to it. However, it can be a lot worse when you don’t have supportive employers or managers, especially during difficult times. So, what can you do if yours isn’t? Here, you’ll discover some key steps you can take if you feel you aren’t being fully supported.

Take time for self-reflection
Take a look at your colleagues; what have they earned in the past several years? Which characteristics and skills helped to get them promoted? Consider your own goals, and whether or not this is a company fully aligned with your own goals. Do you want to be promoted within the next year or two? Are there opportunities for growth?
Consider how you have communicated with your manager in the past. What type of relationship do you have with them? How do you perform in meetings-do you sit back and let others take the lead? Have you communicated with your manager about your goals? Provided you have not taken on the role of a victim, and are ready to be assertive, let’s look at the other tips below.

Let them know how you feel
The first step you should take if you feel your employer or manager isn’t being supportive is to talk to them. This can be intimidating, but your employer may not even realize the extent of your concerns. Unless your manager can read minds,  most are very busy trying to put out multiple fires. Consider writing down what you want to say. Think of ways you feel they could be more supportive. They may ask you what you’d like them to do or how they could help, being prepared helps. Communicates your feelings, diplomatically, and honestly.

Team up with other coworkers
Did your efforts to have a conversation with your employer fail miserably? It might be worth teaming up with your coworkers. In all likelihood, someone else is being treated in the same manner. Things do not happen in a vacuum. There is a lot of power in numbers. You’ll stand a better chance of changing how you are being treated if you stand together. Again, try and talk to your employer together, or if that fails try and speak to someone higher up in the company.

Talk to HR if necessary
While your manager is usually the first point of contact, they sometimes cannot resolve all your concerns, and it might be time to speak with HR. Policies need to be followed, and it’s the HR teams’ job to make sure they are implemented. Reported to them as quickly as possible, as some issues can be time-sensitive.

Search for a new job
If all else fails and your employer still isn’t being supportive, take your talents elsewhere. In the current economic situation, it sounds impossible. However, if you’re at home it’s never been a better time to search for alternative employment. The pandemic won’t last forever. When it’s over, do you really want to continue to work for a company that doesn’t support you? Consider taking online courses too if you need to top up your skills. This will make you more employable once you’re ready to make the switch.

No one should have to deal with an unsupportive manager or employer. Do not let anyone deter you from being able to grow within our chosen careers. Times have always been tough, but the majority of us are stronger than any storms. Remember, the current situation is temporary. Support is always available online. With the right attitude, you will attract opportunities you’ve been working towards your entire life.

Until the next post,
Best,
Juan

 

I Don’t Need a Man. Do You?!


Image: Pexels

I tried to think of the last time I found a piece which resonated with me so much, I just couldn’t wait to share! Let’s face it, single or coupled, the advertisements cannot be avoided. During the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, advertisers would have us believe, we are missing out, if we are not part of a couple. Personally, I have made a conscious effort not to rush, or force love. The last situation-ship taught me what I don’t want, and it was a LOT. Right now, life has other glorious, sweet plans for me.

So, what about you? If you are a woman, and have already found your warrior, then I am willing to bet, you know someone still looking. Please do me a favor?  Ask your girlfriends to read the article below, it explains so much.

The article touched me on a cellular level. If you’re a woman, who has been unlucky in love, I implore you to truly READ it. Let its meaning flow over and through you. I hope you find light, strength, courage, and belief in the fact, that if you are still searching for love, it can and will happen for you. Sometimes, you don’t need a man, you need a damn warrior!

Intrigued? Read on, Kate Rose does a phenomenal job here!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior. You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not. You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty. I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift. What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way. This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.  Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you. He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek…. he’s seeking you too. For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too. Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is. So, pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer. Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well” – Author Kate Rose

I have always believed  that one day, each of us will meet the person, who makes us realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Until then? Live life on your terms. No apologies. Doing what makes your heart sing!

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Who Is Pulling Your Strings?!


Photo: Google Images

 

The Disease To Please

Do you say yes to people and things, when you really wanted to say no? Do you have an irrepressible need to be loved and accepted by everyone? When you are in a conversation, are you bothered and worried about how you are being perceived? Do you agree with actions, opinions, and activities, just to be able to fit in? Do you say “I’m sorry” even when it’s not necessary? Do you go to great lengths to keep the peace and avoid conflicts? Women, in your relationships, do you often find yourself getting the same results from different men? Finally, have you abandoned your truth, and no longer recognize the person in the mirror? My friend, in all likelihood you are a people pleaser!

People pleasers go above and beyond to make everyone happy. You are not alone, there are millions like you, wearing the same ill fitted shoes. You are often anxious, depressed, and overly burdened by the stressful expectations, you have placed on yourself. The problem is very common. Of course, it starts out harmlessly enough in childhood. We are rewarded and complimented when we behave in the manner that is expected of us. Unfortunately, for many, this unquenchable thirst for approval continues into adulthood. Friends, putting others before our own happiness, comes at great costs to our well-being.

There is no one type of people pleaser, they come in all forms. You refuse to end relationships, even remaining friends with an ex, you have no ties to, out of pure guilt. You are that one colleague who always says yes, because you crave the acceptance of everyone in the office. You are single woman who always seems to be baby-sitting her friends’ children. The person who loans money, knowing that you might be short, when rent comes due. Shall I go on? In almost all instances, you find yourself bogged down by guilt, depression, and in the coming years, resentment.

If you are a woman reading this, you are hard-wired, and raised to take care of others. Seeking for approval and love by our deeds. Soon enough, we are known as the “yes woman”, literally killing ourselves, to be everything for everyone.  Women are continually putting the needs of others, well above their own. The reality? We want what no one could give: unconditional love and acceptance. What we fail to realize, is this rarely possible, if at all.

So, how do you take your power back, and free yourself from the “disease to please”?

Consider these five steps:

  1. Is it time to have a genuine, honest, discussion with those in your circle who take, take, take and give nothing in return? Let them know that you are have decided to make changes in your life, and the way you relate to those around you. The people who truly love and care for you, will not take offense, and if they do, it’s time to examine their role and purpose in your life.
  2. The next time someone asks you to do something for them, consider this response “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Give them a time when you will respond their request. Doing so not only gives us space to think about the next step, but to truly evaluate if this is what we want to do.
  3. Let go of the need to be liked by everyone! Remember, not everyone you meet will like you. Your tribe will know you. Stop wasting precious time trying to hold onto relationships that do not serve any purpose in your life. Love, affection, and attention should be freely given. The old saying “You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world, and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches” applies here. A word of advice, take this a step further and figure out why the need to be liked, is important to you.
  4. Please, let go of the need of having to always explain your actions to someone. For instance, let’s say you’ve come back to the person who made the request, and your answer is no. Keep it simple “Sorry, I’m busy that day” NOT “I would really like to, but I have to be at this thing, that was scheduled months ago…” etc. The word “No” can become a complete sentence, free from explanations and justifications.
  5. Each time you say no to someone, you are saying yes to other activities, opportunities, goals, passions, and dreams, you’ve buried, because you were busy taking care of everyone else. Your life will start to look different. Better yet, you will begin to attract the right type of relationships . Establish boundaries and keep them in place. You will always be enough. If you are too much for them, then they are not enough for you.

Stop sabotaging yourself just to meet the expectations of other. We teach people how to treat us, and what we allow is what will continue. You are not responsible for healing every problem that comes your way!

Make today the day, you begin to live an authentic life.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan