“I Never Loved You”


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Book excerpt…….

Her gaze collided with his. She must have misunderstood. She dared not ask him to repeat himself. He didn’t need to. No one can mishear :“I never loved you” They were the only two people in the room. The words didn’t come from her. She looked away quickly, hoping he would realize what he said. And offer an apology, or retract the statement. For long, interminable seconds, she mentally repeated the words. Suddenly, she felt like the main character in a movie. In this particular scene, she stepped into one of those old, run down establishments on the outskirts of town. The type of place where, no one asked questions, or knows your name. The place where you go to drown your sorrows. And figure out what to do next.

She looked around her, searching for the corner where the music was coming from. As her eyes adjusted to the dim interior, she spotted the shiny edges of the jukebox. There it was, old and familiar, playing a 60’s Ballard. She recognized the song immediately, because it was on repeat. The few patrons who remained, were either too lazy, or too drunk, to get up and change the song. No one turned to acknowledge her presence. Good.

She grabbed the first empty stool in sight, plopped down, and stared straight ahead. The bartender was nowhere to be seen. She turned to “look” at the man who had uttered the words, which culminated everything else. It all felt a bit surreal. She felt like a passerby, observing, off to the side. Transfixed, as she witnessed the exchange between the couple. It was rude to eavesdrop. She should turn away. Avert her gaze a little. Unfortunately, she just couldn’t. Not even if she tried. An inexplicable force kept her rooted to the spot.

The taste buds in the back of her mouth twitched, as the bitter taste of bile rose in her throat. Unwelcome, and repulsive. Very much like the experience she was having. She swallowed. And felt sick. Nauseated and trembling internally, she took a deep breath, hoping to trick her mind into blocking out the words, which continued to ring mercilessly in her ears. A battle of wills began raging within her. She knew she was fighting forces much bigger than she was.

Forces which only began to reveal themselves a year or two ago. The things she had lived through, turned her into a woman, she no longer recognized. The wheels had come off the bus, and in the process, she was destroying herself. It was like a train wreck you saw coming, but couldn’t stop.

Painful and traumatic memories flooded through her. Hot and smouldering. She locked eyes with the man she had given up so much for. Sacrifices which had rerouted her life in crucial ways. The second person to whom she had given her heart. An eternity passed. Not knowing what else to say, but knowing she had to say something, she said :“ So if you never loved me, why….”

Next up: open letters……

Intrigued?!

Be patient. Keep calm. I am writing my second and third book at the same time! I hope you enjoyed this taster.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

This Hope I Have.


HopeI will admit to it. I am in therapy. And probably will be for a long time. Neglecting to deal with deep-rooted childhood issues, has come through the back door. As they always do. What brought me to this point? Is it the life rerouting choices, and inevitable consequences? Perhaps, it’s because I know, more than ever, I cannot keep going the way I have. I am not too concerned with the judgements which might come as a result of this personal admission. I do know, that I feel no shame, in publicly admitting to something so private.

There is so much work to be done. Last week, I mentioned to my therapist, that I always feel as if I am a waiting room of sorts. Waiting for my number to come up. Waiting for something amazing to happen. Waiting for a miraculous, positive event to change my life. He thought it was a huge admission. One which showed my vulnerability. He said I should own it, and appreciate the level of courage it took, to admit something of this nature.

I share this intensely personal struggle for two main reasons. Things are beginning to look different. I have learned history and old patterns, doesn’t have to keep repeating themselves. To carry on as I was, will in no doubt, lead me to more of the same. The other is to encourage anyone, within the reach of this blog, to take stock of their lives. You might not necessarily need therapy, but, there might be situations, and or people, in your circle, preventing you from moving forward.

It’s been a grueling few months. Progress is slow. Confronting behaviors, thought patterns, and actions that no longer serve any life affirming purpose, is not comfortable. I hope the time will come, when I am finally “out” of the waiting room. When tears of hurt, anger, and pain, will be replaced with those of joy and laughter. I hope to come out on the other side, and still be me, but infinitely better.

I do ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan