I am getting older. Much older. Throughout the years, I have pretty much done what I wanted. In the process. I have experienced every emotion possible. As the year dawned, I tried to envision my life a year from now. Gave great thought to the circumstances I had the power to change. And I wanted it. Change. The lasting, transformative kind. This year. I decided to work on the side of my personality screaming for an overhaul.
Up to this point. It has been largely ignored. I didn’t want to admit to myself, I needed to. Couldn’t. Didn’t have the strength in me. But. The universe has a way of throwing monkey wrenches into the most well- laid plans. In ways that forces change. Because, there is so much planned for us. And unless, we are prepared for it. We miss out. This is the year, I work on changing the highly impatient, very opinionated, sometimes overly aggressive side to my personality. To a degree of course.
Now. Before you start shaking your head. And think, “if people don’t like you…..” I am well aware of the people who don’t. And to be honest, I don’t lose a second of sleep worrying about it. I could focus my energies on anything else. However, through experience and learning. I have lost more than I gained. The change is to a degree. I want the softer, gentler side to be more apparent. Time doesn’t permit lengthy explanations.
A lot of people have walked into my life, and stayed. My joys have been full. Others left. I understand some relationships and friendships are only for a time. In retrospect, I should have fought harder to keep a few . Shown a greater level of humility. Think before I speak. To be more kind. Forgiving. Make allowances for weaknesses.
In the same vein. I have also learned in recent times, not to chase people. The right ones will find you. And stay. I have had my share of fair-weather friendships and romantic relationships. So, in this instance I have gained. Not lost. The older you get, the easier it becomes to accept that the old way of doing things just isn’t working anymore.
Last year taught me some of life’s most painful lessons. Some I invited, others were no fault of my own. The rest? Inflicted by people, who, in their own ways loved me. However, when difficult circumstances arose, I very quickly realised, how unconditional this love was. In some ways I am grateful. Because hadn’t it been for them hitting the road. I would still be in a state of denial, thinking they are the ones who needed to change.
My hope is that by this time next year, when I re read this post. I recognised the subtle changes. Lifetime habits are hard to break. I don’t live under any illusion. I know the road ahead, is littered with many personal demons. There is no blueprint or path to follow. But I am hopeful. And quite excited to see me. In a year.
Until the next post,